Today I took my last final of the fall semester. It was one of the biggest moments of relief I have ever felt when I walked out of that classroom. It's amazing how good you feel about yourself when you know you've worked really hard to be where you are and how wonderful it is that you're actually prepared for something (a math test, in my case). My first two semesters at Auburn were, in a word, hellish. I was struggling really hard with being away from my family for the first time, sticking to a schedule, studying for classes that were much harder than I had ever imagined, and battling my constant companions depression and anxiety.
There were days that I woke up and couldn't even fathom getting myself out of bed, brushing my teeth, filling my book-bag, and heading to class. And you know what? Some days I didn't. And some days, even when I wasn't extremely tired or sad, I would get so scared to just leave my dorm room, knowing that when I left I wouldn't have any friends to meet up with for coffee, or to study with, or walk to class with.
Then there were the days that I was purely lazy. I didn't feel like doing functions for trigonometry, or writing that essay for history. I wanted to watch Gossip Girl and eat microwave macaroni and lay in bed and read a good book. I was lazy, unmotivated, and just plain irresponsible. And guess what? My grades showed it. Being put on Academic Warning after my first semester should've been a hell of a wake-up call, but after being threatened with suspension unless I dropped two grades, I really woke up to the reality of something I should've known before I even came to Auburn.
No one is going to drag you kicking and screaming through college. No one is going to wake you up and make you go to that 8 a.m. class. No one is going to make you food that doesn't make your stomach hurt and your head ache. No one is going to make you do those functions or that essay or those voice boards for French. You have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and force yourself to do things you don't want to do in order to ensure a successful future for yourself. Not for anyone else.
This semester, I did every single homework assignment, wrote every single essay weeks before it was due, read every little piece of articles and textbooks and assigned readings that I was supposed to, went to almost every class (barring sick days, which were excused), did every extra credit assignment, and made myself home-cooked meals, took charge of my personal hygiene, and found outlets for stress and anxiety. I pushed myself through and I made it through finals with an overall 3.4 semester GPA. I am extremely proud of myself. I reserve the right to brag on myself, because I beat my laziness and my anxiety and depression, I found the major that is right for me, and I feel so much better about life in general.
My advice? Learn sooner rather than later that you are capable of much more than you know, you only have to be diligent and manage your time well. Hard work really does pay off. Take study breaks, have a fun social life, but always make sure that your priorities are in order and that you don't squander the opportunity for a wonderful education. I am so thankful that I finally learned this, and that I'm FINALLY DONE WITH FINALS.
xoxo
Friday, December 9, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
11.29.2016 Weak Weeks
As most of you know, I have a book reviewing blog. However, someone suggested to me that starting a personal blog for when I was feeling blue, needed to vent (as the name suggests, ha-ha), or just wanted to share my days with others was a really good way to spend time. So, here I am! This first vent starts off a little sad, but if you read to the end, you might find some valuable advice (hopefully) that will make your weak weeks a little better.
This past week has been awful. Finals are coming up, so school has me bonkers. I have also had some external conflicts which don't seem to be resolving but are out of my hands at this point. This past week, I have felt things I haven't felt in a very long time--self-doubt, self-loathing, and a deep, intense anger that had taken root in my heart and wouldn't budge. I was mad at everyone, including myself. Thanksgiving was hard. It's easy to fake happy around people you love, but it doesn't get any easier on your mind and your attitude. Being back here alone at college was even harder--mom wasn't here to tell me to "perk up", and dad wasn't here to tell me to "buck up". (Thanks mom and dad, y'all really help me through the toughest times, and for that, I'm forever grateful.) I stayed in my room for hours on end, looking at the ceiling, staring at my dog, and trying to read, write, watch anything, listen to music, eat, and find something to cheer me up, make my dread a little less.
I guess that's the best way to describe how I was feeling--dread. Dread for the next few weeks (finals) and dread about the future (vague, but true). I didn't really want to be around anyone, and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. It seemed like every where I turned, someone was there to make me feel even worse about myself than I already did, whether it was a teacher, a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger. I knew that no one had any malicious intent to make me feel small (at least I hope not), but that's the mood I was in--me against the world, which was a slightly ridiculous thought.
I have struggled with major depression since middle school, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to boot. I had been doing so well that I had forgotten what it felt like when those nasty friends took root in my heart and mind, but it seemed like they were slowly curling their tendrils around every aspect of my life, and I had no idea how to stop it or even slow it down at the time. That's when I turned to Hunter, who knows how I can be and how to deal with it pretty effectively. He asked me to take a book home, one that I will never forget.
The book is "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace, one of his favorite authors. I didn't ask questions. I took the book home and immediately cracked it open. It's a 1000+ page book, so no, I haven't finished it, but he asked me to read certain passages and research Wallace himself, as well. I did. David Foster Wallace committed suicide. His mind was so vast and so deep, and he was filled with the same self-doubt, self-loathing, and twisted narcissism that I seem to struggle with, and that many others struggle with as well. His words were so full of power and despair that I cried after reading the second or third passage. I was a little confused as to why Hunter suggested this, but after a while, I got it.
Other people feel the same way I do. That twisted narcissism I was talking about? That's the feeling that I'm the "only one who knows what it feels like", or that no one else struggles with the things I struggle with. I have come to realize that that notion is completely bogus. Other people live life daily with these thoughts and feelings, and they have found numerous ways to cope. I also learned from Wallace that letting go of society/friends/strangers' perceptions of you can go a long way in terms of your self-esteem and self-loving. While the pressure eventually got to Wallace, he lived his life unapologetically, and just wanted people to see the world in the way he did. I highly recommend any and all of Wallace's work, and his biography written by David Lipsky.
All in all, I have learned to let go of my feelings of solitude, anger, resentment, self-doubt and self-loathing, because none of that is conducive to the positive lifestyle I yearn to have. I have also learned that in order to love oneself, you may have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and re-orient yourself with your surroundings. Let go of that twisted narcissism and know that you aren't alone and you never will be. Find creative outlets like reading, writing, painting, singing, or even blogging like I am attempting to do (and hopefully not failing miserably at!) to make yourself feel better. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, because as my professor tells me, the "pathetic fallacy" that everyone and everything in society and nature is concerned with your wellbeing is absolute bull, and you are the only one responsible for making yourself be okay.
Sorry for the excessiveness of this first post, but I hope maybe you've learned that you aren't alone, and that while you may not be alone, you and you alone control your destiny, your happiness, and your overall wellbeing. And seriously, read David Foster Wallace; he is inspiring and his works are beautiful.
Sydney
This past week has been awful. Finals are coming up, so school has me bonkers. I have also had some external conflicts which don't seem to be resolving but are out of my hands at this point. This past week, I have felt things I haven't felt in a very long time--self-doubt, self-loathing, and a deep, intense anger that had taken root in my heart and wouldn't budge. I was mad at everyone, including myself. Thanksgiving was hard. It's easy to fake happy around people you love, but it doesn't get any easier on your mind and your attitude. Being back here alone at college was even harder--mom wasn't here to tell me to "perk up", and dad wasn't here to tell me to "buck up". (Thanks mom and dad, y'all really help me through the toughest times, and for that, I'm forever grateful.) I stayed in my room for hours on end, looking at the ceiling, staring at my dog, and trying to read, write, watch anything, listen to music, eat, and find something to cheer me up, make my dread a little less.
I guess that's the best way to describe how I was feeling--dread. Dread for the next few weeks (finals) and dread about the future (vague, but true). I didn't really want to be around anyone, and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. It seemed like every where I turned, someone was there to make me feel even worse about myself than I already did, whether it was a teacher, a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger. I knew that no one had any malicious intent to make me feel small (at least I hope not), but that's the mood I was in--me against the world, which was a slightly ridiculous thought.
I have struggled with major depression since middle school, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to boot. I had been doing so well that I had forgotten what it felt like when those nasty friends took root in my heart and mind, but it seemed like they were slowly curling their tendrils around every aspect of my life, and I had no idea how to stop it or even slow it down at the time. That's when I turned to Hunter, who knows how I can be and how to deal with it pretty effectively. He asked me to take a book home, one that I will never forget.
The book is "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace, one of his favorite authors. I didn't ask questions. I took the book home and immediately cracked it open. It's a 1000+ page book, so no, I haven't finished it, but he asked me to read certain passages and research Wallace himself, as well. I did. David Foster Wallace committed suicide. His mind was so vast and so deep, and he was filled with the same self-doubt, self-loathing, and twisted narcissism that I seem to struggle with, and that many others struggle with as well. His words were so full of power and despair that I cried after reading the second or third passage. I was a little confused as to why Hunter suggested this, but after a while, I got it.
Other people feel the same way I do. That twisted narcissism I was talking about? That's the feeling that I'm the "only one who knows what it feels like", or that no one else struggles with the things I struggle with. I have come to realize that that notion is completely bogus. Other people live life daily with these thoughts and feelings, and they have found numerous ways to cope. I also learned from Wallace that letting go of society/friends/strangers' perceptions of you can go a long way in terms of your self-esteem and self-loving. While the pressure eventually got to Wallace, he lived his life unapologetically, and just wanted people to see the world in the way he did. I highly recommend any and all of Wallace's work, and his biography written by David Lipsky.
All in all, I have learned to let go of my feelings of solitude, anger, resentment, self-doubt and self-loathing, because none of that is conducive to the positive lifestyle I yearn to have. I have also learned that in order to love oneself, you may have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and re-orient yourself with your surroundings. Let go of that twisted narcissism and know that you aren't alone and you never will be. Find creative outlets like reading, writing, painting, singing, or even blogging like I am attempting to do (and hopefully not failing miserably at!) to make yourself feel better. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, because as my professor tells me, the "pathetic fallacy" that everyone and everything in society and nature is concerned with your wellbeing is absolute bull, and you are the only one responsible for making yourself be okay.
Sorry for the excessiveness of this first post, but I hope maybe you've learned that you aren't alone, and that while you may not be alone, you and you alone control your destiny, your happiness, and your overall wellbeing. And seriously, read David Foster Wallace; he is inspiring and his works are beautiful.
Sydney
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