As most of you know, I have a book reviewing blog. However, someone suggested to me that starting a personal blog for when I was feeling blue, needed to vent (as the name suggests, ha-ha), or just wanted to share my days with others was a really good way to spend time. So, here I am! This first vent starts off a little sad, but if you read to the end, you might find some valuable advice (hopefully) that will make your weak weeks a little better.
This past week has been awful. Finals are coming up, so school has me bonkers. I have also had some external conflicts which don't seem to be resolving but are out of my hands at this point. This past week, I have felt things I haven't felt in a very long time--self-doubt, self-loathing, and a deep, intense anger that had taken root in my heart and wouldn't budge. I was mad at everyone, including myself. Thanksgiving was hard. It's easy to fake happy around people you love, but it doesn't get any easier on your mind and your attitude. Being back here alone at college was even harder--mom wasn't here to tell me to "perk up", and dad wasn't here to tell me to "buck up". (Thanks mom and dad, y'all really help me through the toughest times, and for that, I'm forever grateful.) I stayed in my room for hours on end, looking at the ceiling, staring at my dog, and trying to read, write, watch anything, listen to music, eat, and find something to cheer me up, make my dread a little less.
I guess that's the best way to describe how I was feeling--dread. Dread for the next few weeks (finals) and dread about the future (vague, but true). I didn't really want to be around anyone, and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. It seemed like every where I turned, someone was there to make me feel even worse about myself than I already did, whether it was a teacher, a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger. I knew that no one had any malicious intent to make me feel small (at least I hope not), but that's the mood I was in--me against the world, which was a slightly ridiculous thought.
I have struggled with major depression since middle school, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to boot. I had been doing so well that I had forgotten what it felt like when those nasty friends took root in my heart and mind, but it seemed like they were slowly curling their tendrils around every aspect of my life, and I had no idea how to stop it or even slow it down at the time. That's when I turned to Hunter, who knows how I can be and how to deal with it pretty effectively. He asked me to take a book home, one that I will never forget.
The book is "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace, one of his favorite authors. I didn't ask questions. I took the book home and immediately cracked it open. It's a 1000+ page book, so no, I haven't finished it, but he asked me to read certain passages and research Wallace himself, as well. I did. David Foster Wallace committed suicide. His mind was so vast and so deep, and he was filled with the same self-doubt, self-loathing, and twisted narcissism that I seem to struggle with, and that many others struggle with as well. His words were so full of power and despair that I cried after reading the second or third passage. I was a little confused as to why Hunter suggested this, but after a while, I got it.
Other people feel the same way I do. That twisted narcissism I was talking about? That's the feeling that I'm the "only one who knows what it feels like", or that no one else struggles with the things I struggle with. I have come to realize that that notion is completely bogus. Other people live life daily with these thoughts and feelings, and they have found numerous ways to cope. I also learned from Wallace that letting go of society/friends/strangers' perceptions of you can go a long way in terms of your self-esteem and self-loving. While the pressure eventually got to Wallace, he lived his life unapologetically, and just wanted people to see the world in the way he did. I highly recommend any and all of Wallace's work, and his biography written by David Lipsky.
All in all, I have learned to let go of my feelings of solitude, anger, resentment, self-doubt and self-loathing, because none of that is conducive to the positive lifestyle I yearn to have. I have also learned that in order to love oneself, you may have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and re-orient yourself with your surroundings. Let go of that twisted narcissism and know that you aren't alone and you never will be. Find creative outlets like reading, writing, painting, singing, or even blogging like I am attempting to do (and hopefully not failing miserably at!) to make yourself feel better. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, because as my professor tells me, the "pathetic fallacy" that everyone and everything in society and nature is concerned with your wellbeing is absolute bull, and you are the only one responsible for making yourself be okay.
Sorry for the excessiveness of this first post, but I hope maybe you've learned that you aren't alone, and that while you may not be alone, you and you alone control your destiny, your happiness, and your overall wellbeing. And seriously, read David Foster Wallace; he is inspiring and his works are beautiful.
Sydney
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